Admitting it! As a quintuple Capricorn who was always systematically lauded for getting straight A’s (or reprimanded in their absence), speaking those three words spikes my internal chemistry with a paradoxical blend of anxiety and relief.
I tend to be a night owl. There is something magical that happens in those post-midnight hours. On Saturday, July 27th, as the night dripped into Sunday, I was still up at 12:30am with just 3.5 hours left until I had to get up for an early morning flight to the Deep South.
With my mind doing what minds do, jumping around from thought to thought, I decided to play somatic therapy with myself.
I asked myself to FEEL the answers.
1. What does it feel like in my body to NOT give up control? To micromanage?
A: Like a tightening through my central channel, especially my stomach, esophagus, heart and throat.
2. What does it feel like in my body when I think of releasing control?
A: Like a lateral expansion, from left to right. My side ribs soften. My shoulder blades release their weight. My facial muscles relax.
So as an experiment in a new pattern - I tell myself - I’d like to ease up on the reins a bit. I already know that this feel better in my body right now. But I’m curious about how the effects of this might ripple out and affect my interactions with others, and the outcomes of my endeavors.
However, I can tell you I’m not interested in completely giving up all control. I’ll continue to maintain healthy boundaries when and where they are needed, especially around my business and relationships. I’ll continue to voice my needs and feelings. I’ll continue to have ambitions and desires.
But I want to give space to things, to let them develop, and to trust that I’ll be ok, that I can coast a bit on the the work I’ve already put in. As an entrepreneur, I especially struggle with this around my career and finances. That’s a big part of what drove me to finally hire a personal assistant. And I. Am. Loving it!
I know that I could argue myself right back into the command center at any time. That’s my old, familiar pattern, and to be honest, it seems to have served me pretty damn well. I like this life I am living, and a lot of that was consciously and purposefully co-created by my small self and something much grander.
Perhaps that is the key to integrating this new modus operandi. To recognize that the whole of my experience is a co-creative, co-laborative effort between myself and other beings. Between myself and the Divine.
To get out of my head, where I can convince myself of anything, I’ll continue to locate the changing feelings in my body, because it does not lie. It does not get so caught up in our intellectual, verbal worlds. It is our animal and our child, instincts more or less in tact as long as we are alive.
Listen to it.
Craft a bold experiment with yourself which shakes up your modus operandi, and KNOW that you can have the old way back any time you want it. That safety net is not going anywhere. For now.
I’ll leave you with what I think is a beautiful song, the lyrics of which I sang out loud the morning as I wrote this.